I have been looking forward to and dreading this night for the past week. My gal pals and I haven't gotten together as a group for months, and we needed a Girls' Night like nobody's business. Two in our group have had babies in the past 4 months, so it's been difficult, to say the least, for all of us to hang. Three of us also share a friend in common whose 5 week-old baby died of SIDS about 6 weeks ago. We wanted her to join us, too.
I don't have to tell anyone who has been reading this blog the past 8 months of my desire and disappointment regarding babies. One of the reasons I haven't written much for the past few months is because that's what I do when I'm on the brink. I turn inward and I don't let a whole lot of people in. I've all but shut out all of my closest friends, save my husband. I don't talk about my pain because it's just too much to put into words sometimes. And then I feel guilty for having such selfish thoughts, as if I had the power to harness them! HA!
So when we planned for this little get-together, it was understood that the babies and children of most would have to be in attendance. The only way we could all show up on the same date and at the same time was if we brought our kids.
While I have wanted to hang out with the girls for the longest time (it's kind of hard to get girl time in a house full of boys), I have been suffering little moments of anxiety about this night since we set the date. I didn't know if I could sit in a room with two babies and hold back my tears.
However, no one is as strong as our friend Lindsey. She lost her son Max less than 2 months ago, yet she came. She held the 6 week-old son of our friend Jeane, a little guy who is just one week older than Max was when they found him in his crib. I know it was immensely difficult for her to do that, to watch all of us oohing and awing over these infants, and to not lose her shit. I cannot tell you how much respect I have for her, and how much she puts things into perspective for me.
I'm not going to wallow - or, at least I'm going to try - in my self pity anymore. No, I'm not going to be able to have another baby the way I wanted to have one in the time I wanted. I don't know what, if anything, I will do, but I'm going to take a lesson from Lindsey. I'm not going to avoid people with babies; I'm going to embrace them like I embraced, cuddled, held, fed, burped, and rocked Stella and Eli tonight.
