It's decided. I think. I need approximately $28k to do it, though. That's a little more than half my salary. It's more than most people without a college education make in a year. It's more than I would pay to replace my car with a newer model (but just barely).
Making a baby is making me work harder than ever to build my bank account.
I got a promotion at work this week. I will be the head of the English department starting next year, so I'll be in charge of about a dozen other teachers, their schedules, evaluations, curriculum implementation, bookkeeping, and SO many other responsibilities I don't even know about yet. Yikes. Unfortunately, I'll be taking a pay cut.
Because I cannot handle both this new job AND cheerleading, I have to say goodbye to my girls. This makes me sad... sort of. I'll miss some of the best young ladies I've ever met, but I won't miss the drama and the crazy basketball schedule from December to March.
So now I've caught the writing bug. I'm determined to finish the book I've started and to work harder at sharing my work with my friends - especially my "reader" friends. I don't expect to write a best-seller right out of the gate, but that's where my friends can help me. I value those honest opinions, the critiques and the suggestions. Most of all, I need encouragement. I have never finished more than a short story because I am so damn critical of myself.
So far I've published a short story and the first 6 chapters of my novel in progress. I'm editing as I go, so what I need most is answers to problems I foresee:
1. Are my characters and setting consistent?
2. Is the back-and-forth of the timeline confusing or does it work?
3. What is missing - details the reader needs that I am not hitting?
Any suggestions or constructive criticism is valued more than you could know, so please check out my other blog, entitled "Scribblings." You'll have to read the older posts first to get the full story.
Thank you, friends. I hope you'll enjoy what I've written so far. My plan is to post at least a chapter a week.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Always look on the bright side of life...
Optimism. Wow, there's a loaded word the last few weeks. I've had more disappointment than I care to admit - especially since I won't be talking about work on this blog, like EVER (see Pennsylvania teacher article - yikes!). Of course, the biggest disappointment was learning that my ovarian reserve is somewhat, shall we say, lacking. As stated in my last blog post, this means I am "not a good candidate for IVF."
We went back to the doc today so he could tell us what I already knew, what my amazing husband tried to dissuade me from believing by showing me articles, studies, forums on fertility, and by so many words of encouragement I thought I'd married a counselor rather than a computer programmer. What I already knew after the fated conversation with the nurse on the phone when she called with my AMH blood workup, was that I would not have another baby of my own, at least not with any of the eggs still left in my body.
This brings us to today and our meeting. The doc told us exactly that. We could use a donor egg, and I'd likely have a baby no problem. The problem? That baby wouldn't be from my biological make-up. He or she wouldn't share my traits, my genetic code.
It was one thing to think of adoption. That baby or child wouldn't be ours biologically, but we would care for her or him as if we were the biological parents. I could do that.
I could even fathom having to use donor sperm if need be.
But carrying a child that was B's and not mine? I just don't know.
We would have to pick a donor based on the traits we wanted (could possibly find one with brown hair, hazel eyes and a short stature like me), and then use the same ICSI procedure to retrieve the necessary male goods from B. Then, they'd implant me. Viola! It sounds simple, but my head just can't wrap itself around the possibility of this baby being a "part" of me, but kinda not.
I won't even go into the fact that it's more than twice the cost. UGH!
I feel as if my body is betraying me, and honestly, I've had about enough of that. My ovaries have aged prematurely, and I am angry about it. The doc stated that my reserves were like that of a woman 5-10 years older than I am. 15 years ago, it took ONE try. Ten years ago, again it took ONE try. We barely had to whisper the word "baby" and I'd be preggers. So what's up with my body now? Did I peak way too early? Did having kids as early as I did doom me to this fate? It's just pissing me off.
B wants them to test my AMH again. He thinks it may be a mistake or that by taking the vitamins I've started taking (for general health and balance), that the number will be different. I'm not so convinced. I'm pretty darn sure that my body is finished making baby eggs, and that I'm going to have to accept it. I waited too long, and now I regret it.
The only question now is do I want to carry a baby who is not genetically mine and costs me more than the car I drive?
We went back to the doc today so he could tell us what I already knew, what my amazing husband tried to dissuade me from believing by showing me articles, studies, forums on fertility, and by so many words of encouragement I thought I'd married a counselor rather than a computer programmer. What I already knew after the fated conversation with the nurse on the phone when she called with my AMH blood workup, was that I would not have another baby of my own, at least not with any of the eggs still left in my body.
This brings us to today and our meeting. The doc told us exactly that. We could use a donor egg, and I'd likely have a baby no problem. The problem? That baby wouldn't be from my biological make-up. He or she wouldn't share my traits, my genetic code.
It was one thing to think of adoption. That baby or child wouldn't be ours biologically, but we would care for her or him as if we were the biological parents. I could do that.
I could even fathom having to use donor sperm if need be.
But carrying a child that was B's and not mine? I just don't know.
We would have to pick a donor based on the traits we wanted (could possibly find one with brown hair, hazel eyes and a short stature like me), and then use the same ICSI procedure to retrieve the necessary male goods from B. Then, they'd implant me. Viola! It sounds simple, but my head just can't wrap itself around the possibility of this baby being a "part" of me, but kinda not.
I won't even go into the fact that it's more than twice the cost. UGH!
I feel as if my body is betraying me, and honestly, I've had about enough of that. My ovaries have aged prematurely, and I am angry about it. The doc stated that my reserves were like that of a woman 5-10 years older than I am. 15 years ago, it took ONE try. Ten years ago, again it took ONE try. We barely had to whisper the word "baby" and I'd be preggers. So what's up with my body now? Did I peak way too early? Did having kids as early as I did doom me to this fate? It's just pissing me off.
B wants them to test my AMH again. He thinks it may be a mistake or that by taking the vitamins I've started taking (for general health and balance), that the number will be different. I'm not so convinced. I'm pretty darn sure that my body is finished making baby eggs, and that I'm going to have to accept it. I waited too long, and now I regret it.
The only question now is do I want to carry a baby who is not genetically mine and costs me more than the car I drive?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Devotion
Bad News: I'm old, and so are my ovaries. OK, maybe just my ovaries are old. I'm still a spring chicken.
I got a call from the nurse at the clinic yesterday; our bloodwork was in from last week's tests.
Neither of us have any of the tested diseases - duh. We both have the same blood type (A+ in case any of you need a transfusion in the future). My AMH levels (that's the follicle-stimulating hormone) are low. Very low. Very, very, no longer on the chart low.
"Typically, levels this low do not make for a good IVF candidate," she stated in a near whisper.
"Oh. Alright." I tried to sound as upbeat as one can with the horrible lump of one's dreams being dashed in my throat.
I have an appointment to discuss "options" with the doctor on President's Day. (Still with enough optimism to want to conserve sick days, just in case, but with enough reality in my head to realize there's no rush.)
My wonderful, exquisitely loving husband, who wasn't as thrilled to have another mouth to feed and butt to clean as I, has been trying desperately and loyally to console me and to give me nothing but encouragement. I can't express how much love I feel for him right now for the articles and forums he's been reading to me and showing me in the last 16 hours. I fell asleep last night to his encouraging words, and woke up to them this morning as well.
My heart is breaking, but I have realized something I've taken for granted too many times in our relationship and marriage. He is devoted to me beyond any expectations I've ever held for him or anyone else. Screw Hallmark holidays, my valentine shows his love in ways no stupid card or dead flowers can.
I got a call from the nurse at the clinic yesterday; our bloodwork was in from last week's tests.
Neither of us have any of the tested diseases - duh. We both have the same blood type (A+ in case any of you need a transfusion in the future). My AMH levels (that's the follicle-stimulating hormone) are low. Very low. Very, very, no longer on the chart low.
"Typically, levels this low do not make for a good IVF candidate," she stated in a near whisper.
"Oh. Alright." I tried to sound as upbeat as one can with the horrible lump of one's dreams being dashed in my throat.
I have an appointment to discuss "options" with the doctor on President's Day. (Still with enough optimism to want to conserve sick days, just in case, but with enough reality in my head to realize there's no rush.)
My wonderful, exquisitely loving husband, who wasn't as thrilled to have another mouth to feed and butt to clean as I, has been trying desperately and loyally to console me and to give me nothing but encouragement. I can't express how much love I feel for him right now for the articles and forums he's been reading to me and showing me in the last 16 hours. I fell asleep last night to his encouraging words, and woke up to them this morning as well.
My heart is breaking, but I have realized something I've taken for granted too many times in our relationship and marriage. He is devoted to me beyond any expectations I've ever held for him or anyone else. Screw Hallmark holidays, my valentine shows his love in ways no stupid card or dead flowers can.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Few Weeks Have Passed... Did you miss me?
It's been an exciting week, ladies and gents. A blizzard, 3 snow days and a couple appointments with doctors. As most of the country has experienced the winter storm of the decade, I'll save those details for the reader's own research.
Most of my audience would like to know what happened at the much-anticipated appointment with the fertility clinic. Ah, that.
My husband is relieved that the only testing he had to endure was of the blood variety. Let your imagination figure out what he was truly nervous about.
Basically, it's all set. There are no reasons the doctor or nurse could find in our medical histories, our profiles, or our bodies which would prevent us from conceiving as early as early April. In fact, the whole process will likely be about HALF the price I had anticipated.
Such good news! So...
I'm trying to decide the when. If I begin the process in a week or two, we conceive in early April (it takes about 8 weeks to prepare the ovaries for egg extraction), then we would have another Miner minor in December. I would love to have an early winter baby.
However, we could choose to postpone the blessed event until mid-spring of 2012, so that the last quarter of school would be my maternity leave. This would be past "testing" time for my students.
The doctor would like to see us start as soon as possible. Either way, I'll be 38 when I have this kid, and Brian will be 40. Aiden will be 10 and Alex 14 (or 15). He did mention that age is a factor. The sooner, the better. I agree. It's one reason I didn't want to put off our planning a few more months or a year in order to save more money.
I also don't want to base the birth of my child on my work schedule - whatever it may be. It's probably the more responsible, practical way to go, but why the hell would I want to give over control of my family to my job - I do that enough as it is.
Decisions, decisions. Any input would be happily considered or dismissed.
Most of my audience would like to know what happened at the much-anticipated appointment with the fertility clinic. Ah, that.
My husband is relieved that the only testing he had to endure was of the blood variety. Let your imagination figure out what he was truly nervous about.
Basically, it's all set. There are no reasons the doctor or nurse could find in our medical histories, our profiles, or our bodies which would prevent us from conceiving as early as early April. In fact, the whole process will likely be about HALF the price I had anticipated.
Such good news! So...
I'm trying to decide the when. If I begin the process in a week or two, we conceive in early April (it takes about 8 weeks to prepare the ovaries for egg extraction), then we would have another Miner minor in December. I would love to have an early winter baby.
However, we could choose to postpone the blessed event until mid-spring of 2012, so that the last quarter of school would be my maternity leave. This would be past "testing" time for my students.
The doctor would like to see us start as soon as possible. Either way, I'll be 38 when I have this kid, and Brian will be 40. Aiden will be 10 and Alex 14 (or 15). He did mention that age is a factor. The sooner, the better. I agree. It's one reason I didn't want to put off our planning a few more months or a year in order to save more money.
I also don't want to base the birth of my child on my work schedule - whatever it may be. It's probably the more responsible, practical way to go, but why the hell would I want to give over control of my family to my job - I do that enough as it is.
Decisions, decisions. Any input would be happily considered or dismissed.
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