Always look on the bright side of life...

Optimism. Wow, there's a loaded word the last few weeks. I've had more disappointment than I care to admit - especially since I won't be talking about work on this blog, like EVER (see Pennsylvania teacher article - yikes!). Of course, the biggest disappointment was learning that my ovarian reserve is somewhat, shall we say, lacking. As stated in my last blog post, this means I am "not a good candidate for IVF."

We went back to the doc today so he could tell us what I already knew, what my amazing husband tried to dissuade me from believing by showing me articles, studies, forums on fertility, and by so many words of encouragement I thought I'd married a counselor rather than a computer programmer. What I already knew after the fated conversation with the nurse on the phone when she called with my AMH blood workup, was that I would not have another baby of my own, at least not with any of the eggs still left in my body.

This brings us to today and our meeting. The doc told us exactly that. We could use a donor egg, and I'd likely have a baby no problem. The problem? That baby wouldn't be from my biological make-up. He or she wouldn't share my traits, my genetic code.

It was one thing to think of adoption. That baby or child wouldn't be ours biologically, but we would care for her or him as if we were the biological parents. I could do that.

I could even fathom having to use donor sperm if need be.

But carrying a child that was B's and not mine? I just don't know.

We would have to pick a donor based on the traits we wanted (could possibly find one with brown hair, hazel eyes and a short stature like me), and then use the same ICSI procedure to retrieve the necessary male goods from B. Then, they'd implant me. Viola! It sounds simple, but my head just can't wrap itself around the possibility of this baby being a "part" of me, but kinda not.

I won't even go into the fact that it's more than twice the cost. UGH!

I feel as if my body is betraying me, and honestly, I've had about enough of that. My ovaries have aged prematurely, and I am angry about it. The doc stated that my reserves were like that of a woman 5-10 years older than I am. 15 years ago, it took ONE try. Ten years ago, again it took ONE try. We barely had to whisper the word "baby" and I'd be preggers. So what's up with my body now? Did I peak way too early? Did having kids as early as I did doom me to this fate? It's just pissing me off.

B wants them to test my AMH again. He thinks it may be a mistake or that by taking the vitamins I've started taking (for general health and balance), that the number will be different. I'm not so convinced. I'm pretty darn sure that my body is finished making baby eggs, and that I'm going to have to accept it. I waited too long, and now I regret it.

The only question now is do I want to carry a baby who is not genetically mine and costs me more than the car I drive?