Ever Feel Less Than?

Less than...

Less than perfect.
Less than excellent.
Less than great.
Less than good.
Less than alright.
Less than eh.
Less than nothing?

Yeah. That was my evening yesterday.

I have been so proud, so excited, and so ready to take on this promotion at school. I have worked my butt off for 12 years to earn my stripes there. I've been through 4 principals, countless assistant principals, 2 department chairs, and more colleagues than I can count. I've gone from being the youngest member of my department of 19 people to one of the "seasoned veterans" in a shrinking department of 10. I have earned a Master's degree, several awards, served on many committees, coached, sponsored, and attended so many conferences it'd make your head spin.

Now I have a chance to lead my department, to organize and support my fellow English teachers, to make decisions about scheduling and budgeting and curriculum, to help my colleagues become better teachers, but I have always felt less than nothing when a certain, nameless, person enters the room. I do not what I've ever done to deserve the amount of disrespect and disdain with which this woman gives me, but I have tried to prove my competence - nay! my excellence! - to my bosses and my peers for 12 years, and I just don't know what it would take to earn her respect.

Part of me doesn't want to care. Lie. All of me doesn't want to care, but all of me does. I am not a big enough person (yeah, keep the short jokes to yourself) to not care what people think of me. I'm insecure in many ways, but professionally I am usually totally secure. But not when she's in the room. I don't get a hello. I don't get a nod. When I ask a question, I get nothing but a terse do-not-bother-me-you-peon reply.

The whole situation yesterday made me reflect more about how I treat people. I know there are people in my life who for one reason or another grate on my nerves. I usually just let them be, but I don't think I'm ever outwardly rude or show absolute intolerance when they're sharing the same air. Do I? I'm usually pretty darn friendly, to be honest. In fact, there are so few people who truly irritate me that I don't think I hardly even think about it much.

So, yeah, it's her problem, right? She's the one with the issue - not me, right? Not everyone has to like me, right? I don't care if everyone likes me so much as I feel like I've earned the right to have a little more consideration than what I get. I'm damn good at what I do. I've got more talent in my pinkie finger for working with kids than many people will ever realize. I am friggen' smart, too. I am an awesome diplomat - most of the time. Yeah, yeah. I feel like Stuart Smally here. My daily affirmations... "And doggone it, people like me."

So screw anyone who doesn't think I'm the shiznit, right? Yeah. Tell me that when I have to be in the same room with this person the next time.